Another letter to Kimmy, my favorite missionary

Dear Kimmy,

Hello!  I love reading your emails every week.  It sounds like you are learning and growing so much.  I feel like I am too! 

I need to be better about writing about the things that I'm learning though.  I can start today.  

First of all, I feel so grateful.  I've always tried to be grateful for all that Heavenly Father has given me, but lately I often feel my heart is overflowing for all the things I've been given which I'm grateful for.  Example: on Tuesday I was walking to my nutrition class and I could feel the baby inside of me.  I was actually a little bit uncomfortable but only mildly uncomfortable and more like a gentle reminder that I am indeed carrying another person inside of me.  I thought, "it's me and you little one."  And then the tear ducks started to well up like they are now.  I'm so excited to meet this little girl.  I'm excited to have a brand new extra person that will permanently be in our family.  I think she will be spunky and active.  She moves a lot now and it seems like she wants to remind me regularly that she's here and growing and waiting to be born.  Sometimes she stops moving right when I tell Matt that she's moving a lot, or kicking.  He says it's because of his "calming fatherly influence."  :)  But he gets to feel her move quite a bit too.  

I knew I would need patience and I knew I would need kindness and faith and teaching skills to be a good mom but I'm also learning that it takes a lot of courage and a lot of bravery.  Most of the life transitions we go through during the first 20 years we have lots of other people experiencing it at the same time as us.  E.g. we start kindergarten with a bunch of other little kids that have never gone to school before, or we start puberty around the same time as everyone else, or we leave home for college around the same time as everyone else.  Even getting married was kind of like I was experiencing it around the same time as my roommates and friends because I had so many already get married and others that were dating people and engaged at the same time as me.  But now my circle of friends is middle-aged moms in my ward, or the young women, or some young moms but they already have a child or children, or a few young married couples that aren't pregnant.  And so even though I know its a good thing to be pregnant and its normal I don't feel like there's this group of people all going through the same thing as I am right now.  And it takes bravery when you feel like "the only one."  

It takes a lot of courage and trust too.  Courage and trust in myself that I will be the kind of mom that I really want to be.  It's easy (at least for me) to worry about not knowing enough and getting stuck in some of the common problems that I see with other moms of young children.  And even though I know life isn't (and won't ever be) exactly perfect I know that so many of life's stresses and challenges could be a lot less significant if we are prepared and if we have the knowledge to confront the various challenges that come.  It takes trust in Heavenly Father too that he will bless Matt and I with children that not only need us but that we will need too--and that will teach us and help us to grow and help us to be happy. And that it takes trust that he won't give us more than we can handle.  And it takes trust in Matt to be a great father and to be able to be strong where I am weak.  

We get a lot of practice making goals that are contingent on only ourselves--grades in school, personal goals, athletics (even when we are on a team, if one player is good enough it can compensate for a lot of other mediocre players), etc.  But having a family isn't just based on how prepared and ready I am.  I have to rely a lot on Heavenly Father and Matt and each of these new people that come to us in order to work together and really be happy.  I don't think you can have control issues and be a happy and easy-going mom.  I still have to do the very best I can but it's not just about me and my strengths anymore.  Again--I am so SO grateful I married Matt.  My stress levels are lower because I married him.  He is a great egg, and he is the perfect fit for me.  I laugh more when I'm with him.  I don't fret about little things as much because he helps me to have a bigger perspective.  And we are equally yoked in our love for each other and desire for the other to be happy.  Sorry I talk about Matt so much.  I'm still learning and realizing a lot of things about relationships.  We don't automatically understand everything about successful relationships once we finally find one... :) 

Anyways, learning is a good thing.  And I'm glad that you share at least a few of the things that you learn every week in your letters.  I love you so much.  It makes me very happy to know that you are where you feel you need to be and that you find so much joy and satisfaction in missionary work.  Heavenly Father will always guide you, not just when you are a missionary.  You just have to remember to incline your heart to him and do the best you can.  

Have a great week!

Love,

Christy